Basil Fingers

It's been awhile since I've posted, so this will be a bit of a mish mash because I have a little to say on a few topics.

The container garden is growing. I just picked basil and we are having it with our tomato and mozzo, called a caprese salad, I believe. It's very tasty. Yesterday, the first cucumber got picked and eaten, and it was sooo good. Tonight I cut some suckers from the tomato plants in hopes that they'll bloom more tomatoes. Right now, I have two: one marble sized, one golf sized, and one that I don't consider a tomato just yet because it's still mainly a flower.

Over the weekend, Wiley and I went to Louisville, where we met up with family and went to Churchill Downs. We won two races - right before we left. It's amazing. For only $2 and some odd change, you can bet on a horse. Or a box. And you can do this all day long. It was really fun!!! We also went to the casino, where we lost our winnings on roulette and a slot machine. I don't like the $10 minimum bet tables - you lose too much too quickly, and it's no fun. My strategy is to stand next to Wiley and tell him red or black. We found the $2.50 electronic version of roulette, where we did much better, but in the end, we still lost.

And speaking of losses, a very close friend of mine lost someone very important to her (most of you will know who I'm talking about, but that's all I'll divulge). I've been trying to be there mentally for her due to the fact that I'm so far away, but the truth is, we all grieve differently. My mother was taken from me very quickly without warning; my friend's loss was something that was foreseen awhile ago, but that doesn't make it any less painful. And the fact is, while I am empathetic, I don't know how she's feeling. So I tell her how I felt when I had to deal with this and ask if it's somewhat similar. The first year after my mom died, I felt electric, like everything was in technicolor. She passed away in February of 1994, and the cold Iowa winter was just brutal. Nothing but grey and cold. I don't remember the weather clearing up for quite some time. But I remember one day driving down Main Street and stopping for a minute to look at the sky in the spring. It was the clearest, bluesky sky I'd ever seen, and I thought with a bittersweet smile, This is the first clear day of sunshine without my mother. And that's how it went the entire first year. First prom without Mom. She'll never get to hear about my dates or fights with the steady. First spring without Mom. This is the first year that Mom won't be able to plant a garden. First concert without Mom. She's not here to hear me practice. No more swimming and laughing at Mom when she gingerly sticks a foot in the pool and decides I'm nuts for going in at 78 degrees. (Now I get it, Mom; it's too damn cold!) No senior pictures to be taken in the summer where Mom gets to say, "I like that one best" or "Your smile was too fake in that one". First fall without Mom. No funny little paper pumpkin decoration that you paperclipped together and stuck on a table. I called that period the Year of Firsts, and every time I thought about going through something without my mom in this world, it was a shock to my soul.

So for my friend who is reeling without her rudder to steady her, the only advice I can offer is that time does heal. You never really get over the grief; you make room for it in your life, and eventually, you notice that the grief gets smaller and smaller, though it will never go away completely, and it may be that 10 years down the road, you'll remember something in the middle of the grocery store that makes you start crying buckets right then and there, while people look at you like you're crazy (and not just because you have 21 items in the express lane). I was very raw for quite some time, though I held it together, missing just a week of school but still going to orchestra rehearsal everyday because that's what you do: you go on. You already know your life is changed. You can't go back to the Life Before. But that's ok because that's what happens, and is supposed to happen. Right now is just about getting through the logistics, and when you're home, it will sink in even more. And that, my friend, is when you call me and cry your little heart out because that's what I'm here for. And I'll cry right along with you because it's really hard, and though I don't know exactly what you're going through, loss, plain and simple, really, really hurts.

Happy Spring.

Wiley and I went out for a bike ride last Saturday morning and decided to bike into campus and take pictures of flowers so I can work on my skill. These were the best.

There are actually a few more, but for whatever reason, I can't get them on the blog. So, for another 8 or so pictures, click here.

And Today's Eye Roll Goes To...

Cnn.com states that being fat is less eco-friendly. "Thinner is better to curb global warming."

You can read the article here.

I'm already in a bad mood, but this made me even more mad. Our "models" are stick figures. I'm by no means skinny, but I know I have a problem when I see normal-sized models and think they're fat because I'm so used to seeing the skinny models that shouldn't look like a 15 year-old girl. And now we have this stupid article to hang over our heads. No, we don't already have a complex, so feel free to guilt us one more time.

You know what? There are people in the world who are fat, not because they are lazy, or because they eat too much; much of it has to do with genetics. Even when I was at my thinnest, I still had a belly. That's where my fat likes to go, first and foremost. Thanks, Mom and Dad, for the gift of looking pregnant even when it isn't so. The last thing I want to read is that I'm contributing to global warming simply because I don't fit industry standards which are way out of whack. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go release my greenhouse gas.

On Hiatus.

As it's been 3 weeks or so since my last post, I gotta say I just haven't been feeling it lately. I type a lot, which has led to the hands hurting (especially the right), so I try to give them a rest at night and stay off the computer. This in turn leads to less computer time at night, which is really the only time to blog. And if I' m being completely honest, starting this blog was a way for me to keep in touch with friends and family while I was abroad. I'm not abroad anymore. I don't have any new stories to tell you. Blogs that have a central theme are the ones that are read. My blog doesn't do that anymore. I could tell you the funny stories about my coworker's 3 year-old daughter, who took a dollar bill out of her mom's purse and stood in front of her with it in her hands, threatening to rip it if her mom said a bad word again, but those aren't my stories...maybe SHE should start a blog. My stories involve my cat gaining 1.5 pounds since being back in my care (yes, this is a good thing), or the fact that I was two inches away from hitting a stupid college student who darts out into the street like a toddler...and I know there are those "life" blogs out there, but I'm not one to share everything, especially if I think it's boring. When you're not completely anonymous, that's hard to do without taking some flak, and I don't really want to take flak. So while I won't take the blog offline completely (I still see some strangers coming to it from outer lands), I also won't be posting anything for some time. For those people who read consistently, and the e-quaintances I have with some fellow bloggers, I thank you for your attention. I'll still be keeping tabs on you.

Birthday Wishes

On a cold cold day, back in 1996, after waiting and waiting and waiting for my sister's water to break, I went home, sure I would not have a little niece until much later. Not long after I left, my sister indeed went into labor and delivered a little girl, whom I got to meet three weeks later. Today that little girl is beginning the teen years. Having gone through it myself, and having watched my eldest niece go through the years of angst, my words of wisdom are: good luck to the rest of us. Lil B, you won't have any idea what you're doing until you've done it and can laugh about it years later when you finally have the age of wisdom about you, but we will watch you now, sometimes with awe, sometimes with abject horror, and yet at other times with annoyance, but know that your family loves you underneath it all. Happy Birthday!

Embracing Fear

As I was recounting an argument had between family members to my Auntie Em, it dawned on me to go ahead and blog about it - fear.

What is fear? If you don't know, go look it up. This ain't Webster's Dictionary. And this is my blog, so don't go thinking that I'm going to give you the right answer. I'm giving you mine.

Fear, to me, is a motivator. Fear is practically my compass. That which I am afraid of, I know I must do. I don't have a fear of jumping out of airplanes, even though I've never done it. But since I don't fear it, I don't do it.

I feared leaving a stable, cushy job. So I knew I had to do it. I feared being a foreigner in a country where I didn't speak the language. That told me that that was the right decision for me. While I think I was a failure because I hardly picked up any of the language and I didn't go out very often by myself, at least I left the country for a time, which is a success.

I'm not saying I've done everything I'm afraid of. One great example is working out at a gym. I hate the gym. I went in KC for a period of time, but I can't say I enjoyed it. I always took the treadmills at the back so no one could see my rump bubbling underneath my sweats, and the weights? Forget it. So that's a fear that I have yet to reconcile long-term - I met it once, but right now, I exercise in the comfort of my own living room...kinda like you people with Wiis, but without the console. Hey, lookit that - I just justified not having to come to terms with my fear....

(Ahem, moving on.) What I find interesting is how people respond to fear. Change is constant, so you'd better get used to it, right? But what about fear? There's a lot of fear in the air these days. And how do people deal with it? A lot of people I see don't deal with it. If they're afraid to travel, they stay home. If they're afraid of their retirement (or lack thereof), they don't open up their brokerage statements. (And if you do, have a chair handy because you may faint from seeing your 401k turn into a 201k.)

I think if you aren't careful and can't deal with fear in a healthy way, it will consume you in ways you can't really see or don't notice. You may become depressed, or sleep too much, or develop ulcers. I suppose people don't deal with fear because it makes them uncomfortable, and why in the world would you want to make yourself uncomfortable, especially when you have a neighbor, a loved one, a boss, a movie, do it for you?

Because this is where growth comes from, people. When you face your fears, you build character. You stretch that courage muscle, and before long, that courage muscle will bulge because you've conquered your fears. There are some fears that you'll never get over. I will forever be a little wary of rain if I'm not on a hill ever since I lived unknowingly-but-intuitively in a flood zone. That doesn't mean I'll be living in a flood zone to face my fear. What it will mean is talking myself out of becoming worried when after 15 minutes, the water works still haven't shut off. That uncomfortable feeling will go away, but you have to acknowledge that you have it, and while you feel like heaving out your insides with a spade, rest assured that the feeling will pass. It could take awhile, but it will pass. And if you find that your fear is debilitating, for Cher's sake, go get professional help. Once I have my master's, you can come to me if you like! But don't stop living just because you're afraid. Take one step at a time to overcome your fear.

First Post

In our household, New Year's was pretty low-key. We made food and had some friends over. At 11:46 or so, we turned on the TV, and our options were kinda limited: Carson Daly, Ryan Seacrest with Dick Clark, or Anderson Cooper with Kathy Griffin. We bounced between Ryan and Anderson.

Things I noticed:

Manhattan, KS, was shown on CNN at 2 am EST.

Apparently the 5 second delay isn't in effect anymore. Kathy Griffin got a little unruly and said something to the effect of taking a male appendage out of Anderson's mouth.

Dick Clark really shouldn't be on TV anymore. At all. He's just not the same after the stroke, and it was painful to watch.

Who the hell were all the people singing and dancing? I knew the Jonas Brothers and Fallout Boy. That was it. And what is up with fashion today, people? Solange, another singer I don't know, had this yellow crap over her eyes...looked like tape....wearing a dress that was fashioned from a garbage bag, with a green belt and blue shoes with clear stilletto heels. She looked like a train wreck. If this is what the kids are listening to, and looking up to, I never want to hear another bad word about the grunge look. At least the shirts matched the shoes.

And now, a little advice. Make a couple of goals and work on them slowly. Don't do the resolutions - you know you will break them by the end of the month. But with a goal, you can work on that and even if you take a wrong turn, it's ok because that's what happens with goals. It's easier to see when you've gone astray and then how to fix it without beating yourself up. Good luck!